Alright, I've gotta complain

At the risk of gaining a reputation for a being a whiny blog, I've got to talk to someone about this, and Kat surely doesn't want to hear anymore:-) I guess I need some motivation to take time out of a pretty busy schedule to post. Sorry about the lack of posts here lately. Life has been going on. Classes are really starting to get busy, and I'm really starting to get stressed about finishing out strong and actually graduating. Helix scared the crap out of us and almost died again. 7 lives left. Either he fell and hurt himself badly, or he has epilepsy, but we thought he broke his back at first, and I'm glad I didn't follow my gut feeling to put him out of his suffering. What else, work is pretty busy, but I'm accomplishing a lot. Hopefully they'll notice. And occasionally I get away from the house every once in a while.

Last Saturday, I went to a basketball tournament. Played actually. I talk a lot on here about my hobbies: backpacking, photography, music, woodworking. But I don't recall talking about one of my true loves, basketball. Technically, it's my second favorite sport, but I don't really get much chance to play football, so basketball is more of a de facto favorite. I play almost every day at lunch, and let me legs recuperate on the weekends. I'm pretty good actually. I can defend players much better than me, and I usually get some looks of disbelief when I make a move usually reserved for smaller guys.

PG&E holds an employee tournament every March, and I've always wanted to play, so I jumped at the chance when a friend asked me to play. I didn't know the other players though, so I'd have to prove myself. I didn't. I didn't play well. It wasn't even that I was having an off day. I just was never able to find my groove on the team. Some of the other players probably chafed at my friend defending me and saying I was a good player. One in particular I know didn't like me.

I'm used to people underestimating me. Usually I thrive on it. I love to see the looks on their faces and the surprise in their voice when I prove them wrong. I especially love when they look to me to make a play. That's when I've got their respect. But what happens when you don't, or when they won't give you the benefit of the doubt? There are actually some good reasons why I didn't start well last Saturday. Genuinely. But it would take to long to explain and bore everyone but me. The point is, I didn't play well until it was too late to make a difference.

When I offered to step up and guard the other team's star player, the other players thought I was out of touch with reality. Their intense doubt honestly made me doubt myself, and made me feel like a fool for arguing with them, especially when I didn't even get a chance to back up my boasts. It's hard to blame them. I hadn't shown them what I was capable of, and I admittedly am not much to look at. But it bothered me that when I said I could do it, they wouldn't give me the shot. They didn't believe in me.

As I complained to Kat on the way home, she was so understanding. She nodded her head with sympathy as I explained how I thought I might be able to guard the guy that had played minor league basketball in Canada. Maybe I am out of touch with reality, but I've backed it up enough times to have earned the right to prove it. Only not with these guys. The stark difference between their looks of disbelief and dismissal, and the comforting care of my wife really hit home. I loved her so much right then. It reminded me of how wonderful she was when I was out of work. She never made me feel lazy or inept.

I don't know that you can truly know love without such a trial. I think it's why movie stars always get divorced. You can't truly love someone unless you're completely stripped of your ego. Love is defined by your insecurity - the very idea that someone could love you and believe in you so much when nobody else does, including yourself.

I love my wife so much. I love her for all her wonderful qualities that could fill this blog until the server ran out of space. But also for her love and support for me. I could never find someone who believed in me and supported me as much her. When I come home at the end of the day. No matter what happened at work, or how I feel about myself, she loves me for who I am...right then. I don't have to be anyone, or do anything, or prove myself to anyone. She loves me, and I'm so lucky.